Message from Carol

Message from my friend Carol, in her own words....

"Thanks a million to all of those who supported me and who continue to support me after I was raped. It's still hard sometimes. This is more or less my way of saying ENOUGH to being a victim.
I was raped three times. First by my actual attacker, who continues to walk around scot free to this day. He keeps pestering me and I really think the police need to keep AN EYE ON HIM, I think the only way they are going to do anything is if he rapes someone else... and that is the LAST thing I or anyone in their right mind wants to happen. The second time was by the cop. While he never laid a hand on me, I still felt betrayed by the way he handled the whole thing. Arresting me when I caved to the pressure of his demands to recant and say it was consensual, leaving out the part where I kept saying "NO, NO" and pulling my pants back up and moving away from the rapist, and returning the evidence unopened (including the semen stained paper towel he left in the garbage can.) All because "he didn't believe me". Thirdly, by the judicial system, I refuse to call it a justice system. While they couldn't make the misdemeanor charge of false reporting stick, I was nevertheless fined $120 for the disorderly conduct charge the public defender had me plead guilty to all in the name of getting rid of me. I paid it immediately, to get them the hell out of my life. But this is not going to go away and neither will I. To the last two I say. THANKS FOR NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!! If you cannot do your jobs, or if your definition of the job is telling victims to shut up and go away, why the hell are you there to begin with?????

While the legal assault against me is now ended I wish to share with you what I am going through in the hopes that someone out there will be helped and have the courage to get help even if the legal system won't provide it. (I know I am NOT the first one this has happened to) My marriage sucked before... its practically decimated now, as I can't even stand my husband touching me. I used to enjoy being in the house all by myself, it was a place to relax. That's all over now... being alone in the house is a major trigger for me, and if it weren't a very real possibility that my rapist might come back I might chide myself for being paranoid he might do so. Every time his IM has popped up on my screen my blood runs cold. The first night he contacted me in October I went into a full blown panic attack followed by a COPD exacerbation and damn near wound up in the hospital. Everywhere I look there is some reminder of that day. Justice I now know to be a complete joke. The same for the police department, the prosecuting attorney, and the defense lawyer. I wonder what they would all say if I showed them the admission I got from him? At least he apologized for what he did to me, that is more than I will ever get from the cops, for which I will never again have any use.

Even my sleep is troubled with nightmares. I can't even get away from this shit in my sleep. At one point I thought about getting rid of my German Shepherd, now there isn't any chance of that happening. No one in their right mind would get rid of a 125 lbs animal who sleeps in your lap if it were their only defense against an attacker. Every time I think about what happened whether its being raped or falsely arrested, that dog is always RIGHT there. She knows I am telling the truth, she's not dumb.

I leave all of these people to God. He will deal with all of you, and to be honest, I don't want to be anywhere NEAR any of you when He does!

I am doing better, I still have my days... still tempted to stomp a box of donuts and stick it on Youtube for this cop to see... if nothing else.... but i owe so much to those who aren't dumb, those who know me, and who know I am not in the habit of "bringing boyfriends to the house" or making phony rape fabrications or bullshit calls to the cops. I owe you my very sanity and I thank God your on this planet. Rape has changed my life forever, that isn't a lie, but I am not going to let it define me. I will however say ENOUGH OF THE BULLSHIT... to any law enforcement and prosecutors who read this... you need to DO YOUR JOB and PROSECUTE THESE GUYS... stop kidding yourselves. I did not ask for this, I did not "have it coming", and I will not shut up and go away."