Yoo hoo, it's THAT TIME AGAIN...

Somewhere, up in the Kingdom of Heaven, you know God is having a bad day.

Once again there's something going on that he once punished King David for, his putting the pickle in the wrong jar and killing the competing hubby aside... in short, the CENSUS. The most retarded questions ever to hit the bricks by the federal government.

This is the twenty first century, we are now 10 years into the Third Millenium, we are making a recovery from the days of slavery and segregation, separate but unequal, bla bla bla...and this idiotic census, which presumably hasn't been updated in 60 years still asks the same retarded questions.

What race am I? Gee, let me look into that one, I'm not quite sure. i could put "AMERICAN" but that's a nationality not a race. My ancestors were European with one that I know of being Native American, but... There's no such thing as Caucasian History Month. (If there were, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton would be blatting like the rabid moronic wolves they are) There's no mention of Caucasian accomplishments, just the time that Germany went crazy, elected a dopey looking guy with a pencil mustache, and he cooked 20 million people including 6 million Jews and 2 million Catholics. And I'm not 100% Whitey. If you divvy it up, each parent = 50%. Grandparents = 25%. Great grandparents = 12.5%. Great great, 6.25%. One great great was Seneca Indian. So roughly speaking I am only about 93.75% whitey. But goldangint, the Seneca tribe only extends its recognition through the line of the mother, and my mother was 100% pure bred white. Which puts us back at square one.

I know for a fact I'm NOT Black, not Hispanic (although they prefer the term LATINO!!!) not Asian, not a Pacific Islander (although I envy their hair) not Chinese, not Japanese, not any of the others. Then I think to myself. Does it really fucking matter any more?

I hang my head in utter shame. I'm white as a fishes belly, I'm melanin - deficient. I'm not good enough to wander outdoors without coating myself with sunscreen. My ancestors were slave owners, and therefore I suck. Doesn't matter that I myself treat everyone the same regardless of their skin color. With me, bigotry is an equal opportunity matter -- I hate EVERYONE, regardless of their skin tone, and prefer to just do my own thing by myself with out interaction or interference from other human beings. Why use racial epithets when snarling incoherently will suffice??? Throwing a cup of scalding coffee has the effect that I desire, well maybe until the police come arrest me for coffee abuse... but dressing in a white bedsheet will just get you killed.

But, who cares when I'm still ugly either way. I could be part Iranian for all I know. The cradle of civilization is *gasp* somewhere in the Middle East. Of course, answering that I am of Middle Eastern descent would get me quickly onto so many no-fly lists I couldn't as much go visit my pop for Christmas. See, putting down crap like that tends to confuse these people. They only want you to go back maybe, 10 generations? And who is to say I don't have a black ancestor in there, somewhere??

Weren't Adam and Eve living in Mesopotamia somewhere?

And would I be a distant descendent of Ham, Shem, or Japheth? Pick one, I dunno. I also don't know about you but I know that my fishbelly skin shade never earned me any special favors. Except wandering home from the beach, colored violently reddish purple, running a fever of 105, and delirious for two days and in so much pain that if a Mack truck had run over me, tied my nuts around my neck, and left me helpless to defend the pitbulls that came to snack on my dying tattered flesh it would be an improvement.

So give it up. I'm a homo sapien. Same as everyone else on the fucking planet.

Next they want to know about your package. Were you born with a penis or with a vagina? Why don't they ask how many times I've woken up with a raging hard on while I'm at it. If I'd been born with a vagina, that's right, I'd never leave the house...! And don't forget some people are born with BOTH. And some elect to have their organs surgically altered. So what happens to the demographics? Utterly skewered! "Hey, how come we suddenly have 500 more females and 500 less males??? What happened?" And so on.

And they want to know about everyone staying here on April 1. Well how the fuck am I supposed to know? I could have my friend get into yet another fight with his girlfriend and come sleep on my couch that week and bring his 17 cats with him; as I have already filled my form out and sent it in, guess he's just fucked as far as being counted on the census is concerned. OTOH, just mark all of the boxes!!! Synapse's Bed and Breakfast is now open for business!!! The more imaginary people I have to push around in my own little corner of the world, the better. I am the boss and don't forget it, bitches.

Next they want to know if you rent or own, are you paying rent or not, do you have a mortgage or not? Why? Are you guys going to pay my late fees the next time my (Jewish) landlord decides to get greedy and overcharge me $45 on top of the $650 I already pay? How about getting on his case to fix stuff around here while you're at it. Yeah Matt stop being such a fucking miser!!! And stop treating us like rent skips. Or I'll write in this blog that someone should stuff YOU into an oven, there to scream and burn and die.... muhaha. Just kidding, you pricks.

They want my telephone number? Why? Are they going to ask me if I need chicken noodle soup sent to my house if I happen to be sick? Are they going to call and ask me "Hey, what's new?" No, they want it in case they don't understand one of my answers. Well, how can I give you an answer you can understand when I don't understand half of the fucking questions!

They want to know my name and birthday. Presumably so they can send me a card with birthday money in it? Cash is always good. And they want my kids names and spouses name. Send them cash too. I always need beer money!

I already covered the racial query which still leaves me in some confusion, but oh well.

Finally, they want to know if I sometimes live or stay somewhere else. The choices are college housing, seasonal housing, military, child custody, jail or prison, nursing home or other. Well, there was that one time I was forced to sleep in someone else's car for the hell of it, but that was OVER ten years ago... Military is always good, especially when you wake up to bombs and mortars going off or people doing pre dawn PT. I don't have a seasonal residence, if I did it would have a jacuzzi. What if I got drunk one night and woke up in a dumpster? Or in the middle of an abandoned mall? Or slept at a race track for shits and giggles? WHAT IF I woke up one night in Leonard Nimoy's bath tub!!! Inquiring minds want to know.

Finally they want the same piece of information for everyone. Else. In. The. Household.

On second thought, fuck all those imaginary people at my residence. Those cock suckers can fend for themselves.

Little wonder God got pissed at King David for engaging in if not inventing, the most crucially retarded little exercise in executive power ever devised by man.

Define me by my color, define me by my genitals, define me by where I live, or what I do, or where I choose to take a shit.

Just don't label me.